Disclaimer: I am not an atheist.
I don't know if it's just my age or my fascination in criticizing certain dysfunctional things about this society, but I'm questioning my belief in a "higher power" if you catch my drift.
I consider myself a somewhat spiritual person, but for the past two years, I've really been questioning my faith.
I was never really brought up in a religious environment. My parents both grew up under a strict religious rule. My mom separated from her church when she reached her twenties because she felt that the rules for successfully fulfilling the true religion were too demanding and strict. The point of God was being covered and masked by the rule rather than truly showing faith.
I guess my dad still follows his religion. He's somewhat religious. But he doesn't try to incorporate that same spirituality to me.
Two years ago, I started my high school career at a Catholic high school, where it is mandatory to take religion classes. I was beyond scared. I assumed everyone was already knowledgeable about the Bible and the history of the Catholic Church. To my utmost surprise, many students weren't Catholic, and didn't attend church, just like me.
Throughout my freshman year, I was doing pretty well in my religion class. But with these mediocre grades, questions began to grow in my mind about God. I began to notice some contradictions in the Bible with what my teacher had said during her many lectures.
I wanted to ask questions. I wanted to discuss topics that had relation to the validity of God or the validity of the Bible, better yet, the validity of the Catholic Church.
Every time I asked such question, I was shunned, disregarded, and looked negatively upon by my teacher and even my peers.
Was it wrong to question the validity of God? Was it wrong to wonder about God in general? Is society meant to go along with the status quo rather than ask questions?
I began to despise religion class. My grades began to suffer as well because of this.
I felt as if I was being treated differently just because I refused to just go along with the teachings. With this segregation, my faith began to suffer as well.
Before entering high school, I prayed, usually for personal reasons, but I tried to incorporate other people into my prayers as well. I don't know what happened. Maybe it was my terrible experience with my religion class. Maybe it was my lack of religion as a child was finally setting in.
But for some odd reason, I stopped praying. I stopped being interested in God. I stopped saying "Thank God" or "Bless you" or "Praise the Lord."
Was my spirituality being deleted? Was I losing my faith?
My grandma is a very religious person. Every time she visits, it's like I'm at a church or something. She's constantly praying, preaching, and reading the Bible. Usually it didn't bother me. But again, I started hating it. It got on my nerves.
And the sad part, my lack of devoutness wasn't my only issue with religion. It became the whole idea of religiosity. I hated the Bible simply because it was just a way for businesses to make money. I loathed extravagant churches. I despised religious books...like self-help books or "How to get closer to God" books.
I thought religion was a conspiracy...or some political scam...a way to make money, a way to advertise something that didn't really apply to everyone, a way for everyone to believe the same thing. It bothered me.
I don't know if my mind has really changed since then. I've become more open to the idea of religion and God and all that stuff, but I still don't pray or consider myself spiritual. I do believe in a higher being, an upper power that controls life on earth...but the whole of idea of God really throws me off-guard.
It's a sad truth that I might grow out of eventually. But right now, I'm confused beyond measure.
Maybe I'm just a non-believer...
Or maybe I'm just a highly confused teen.
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